


Merlin Emrys is an idiot.

by samgreenstorm



Series: Who ever loved that loved not at first sight? [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Elena is awesome and I love her, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, M/M, Pastry chef Merlin, Pining Merlin, They are a couple of fools your honor, thankfully they have good friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:08:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23081452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samgreenstorm/pseuds/samgreenstorm
Summary: After Isolde's wedding Merlin has a lot of things to think about. Mostly how he fucked up whatever could have happened with Arthur . Now he wonders if he can fix it or if maybe is too late.
Relationships: Arthur/Original Male Character(s), Elena/Gwaine (Merlin), Freya/Mithian (Merlin), Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), and others
Series: Who ever loved that loved not at first sight? [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/496861
Comments: 15
Kudos: 45





	1. Once upon a time Arthur went to the hospital.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to all of you who read the previous installments and asked about when the continuation will be posted, well here it is. It really inspired me to keep writing about these two.

**A week later after the wedding.**

Freya was screaming her lungs out, Mithian next to her. Both with their hands circling their mouths amplifying their yelling.

" Come on ! Let's go boys ! " they scream.

Finally his roommate and himself have decided to watch the famous Knights. Gwen, is on his other side also shouting she then stops and smiles at him, probably feeling his eyes on her.

Merlin decides to stop being a spoilsport and just follows his friends lead and starts yelling.

“Look at you cheering in a footie match!" Gwen exclaims grinning.

“Hey! I cheered at Will’s games back at schooI Gwen, please. I’m an amazing cheerleader.” Merlin copies Freya's hands. He sees Gwen smiling on the corner of his eye.

“" Knights! Knights! Come on Arthur!!" Arthur has the ball and he's going towards the goal keeper.

" Go Arthur ! Go! " The blond is lining the ball to score.

Merlin is nervous. A player from the other team approaches Arthur, according to his shirt his name was Cedric trips him on purpose .

And then Arthur is in the floor screaming in pain.

He doesn't even know how but Merlin is there the next second leaning into Arthur asking what is hurting as if he could heal him.

“My ankle Merlin, it hurts.” Arthur says a grimace of anguish in his face, sounding like he is really trying not to cry. Merlin looks around and sees all of Arthur's teammates around in a circle, Lance is right next to Arthur, Leon on the other side like they are protecting him in case of any harm, the rest looking at their captain concerned and sad.

Arthur takes Lance's hand and tries to stand up he almost falls but his friend Leon takes his arm and lets it rest on his shoulders. They look at each other and nod.

“You have to keep playing and destroy that bastard ,you hear me? " Arthur yells trying to get his team back to focus on the game. He's gritting his teeth. 

Merlin comes back to the moment. He approaches them and says to Lance. “Don't worry I got this, you go yell at the referee, please. And I want to see that Valiant guy with a red card and expelled out of here!” he almost snaps. He is angry really angry but he notices the touch of Arthur's hand on his shoulders stare a him and remembers that they have to go to the hospital. Urgently.  
They meet with the rest of their group by the front door.

“I am gonna wait for Lance and Leon and we'll meet you at the hospital, okay?" Gwen says at him while he gives him Arthur’s sports bag. They all nod.

"Sure, I'll text you. " Merlin responds grabbing the blue bag.

Mithian gets them a cab and with Freya, the four of them get inside.

“How are you holding up?" Mithian asks with a soft voice and a hand in Arthur's knee.

“ Been better, actually" Arthur forces a smirk and looks at him. Merlin returns the gesture with a little smile. 

Of course his friend would try to comfort their friends even when he is in pain. Typical Arthur just when he is supposed to be a prat, he's caring and brave instead.

The word friend feels weird in his mouth as of late but nevertheless is the word that best describes them right now. Merlin doubts there is a word that means we-are-friends-but-we-almost-kiss-once-and-then-I-ruined -it and-he-is-seeing-someone-else.

Sometimes he cannot believe that he was the one to screw up things between them, at the wedding kissing Isolde’s stupid cousin.

Why did he drink so much? Argh...

In any case the matter was that as soon as he realised that he wasn’t kissing Arthur as he thought, he pushed the bloke as far away as possible but it was too late. He knew when he saw a silhouette going away.

And then, he was embarrassed and couldn’t make himself face the consequences of his screw up.

He has screwed up way too many time in his life but this was by far the worst.He wants to hit himself every time he thinks about it. The thing was that he thought he could fix it. Talking to Arthur. Explaining.

It was too late. Arthur already had someone else, and that made Merlin think that maybe he imagined Paris. That they didn’t hold hands, that they didn’t almost kiss, that the Eiffel Tower wasn’t a date or at least date-ish.He cleaned up himself,okay? So for him it was at least a date adjacent situation.

However he fucked up big time.

-Not kissing Arthur before leaving his house.

-Not kissing a Arthur as soon as he saw him looking gorgeous at the wedding.

-Kissing someone that wasn’t Arthur.

When they finally saw each other again, just as Merlin was about to explain what happened and how much of an idiot he has been. Arthur got a call, a call that got a smile on his face and got him talking about a date, an actual one, when both parts know it’s a date. The very next day.

Merlin wanted to leave, to be alone for a while and not think about how maybe everything was on his head. Because obviously how could someone like Arthur like this nerdy awkward mess of a person.

So they will remain friends and Merlin wouldn’t mention Paris to anyone. That would a secret to keep in his memory only to be remembered when he felt lonely.

He hasn’t even mentioned it to Gwen.

Another grunt coming from Arthur reminds Merlin that he cares for Arthur and he doesn't want to see him hurt. He looks at him and gives him a sad smile while he cover his hand and squeezes it.

“I’m fine,really.” says Arthur with clenched teeth which really just disproves his previous statement. “Stop worrying like a mother hen.“ He bumps their shoulders together.

As soon as they arrive at the A&E, Merlin start to think about the things to do, his brain going over things he should fill or if they need, ice for his ankle ,or if they're going to stay for a long time, maybe some snacks.

  
He goes to reception first leaving Arthur with the girls and explains the situation to the nurse.

“Fill this form ,please. And the doctor will call you by name, okay?” The nice nurse says with a smile giving him a folder and a pen.

“Okay,Thank you.”

“What did they say?” Asks Mithian with her hand in Arthur’s shoulder.

“We have to fill a form and they’ll call him by name.” Merlin sits next to Arthur. Freya tells them that she is going to get some ice for Arthur’s ankle. Mithian goes with. Merlin fills what he knows.

“What’s your social security number?” He asks but then he remembers that Arthur wallet is on the bag and takes the card. Arthur seems to be focusing on blocking the pain and doesn't seem to have heard him anyway.

“Nevermind.” He fills the rest of the form fast and gives it to the nurse.

“They will call you in a few minutes.”

“Thank you.”

As soon as Merlin is back on his seat, Arthur leans his head on his shoulder. “How are you holding up?” He asks combing Arthur’s hair with his fingers while his other hand is on his thigh. He almost stops himself when he realises what he is doing then decided to be a masochist and keep doing it. Arthur seems to be comfortable anyway.

“In pain. It fucking hurts. I hope the Knights fucking crushed them.” Arthur’s tone filled with fury and pain.

“Of course they will. They’re your team. I’m sure Gwaine is doing a not so legal thing and Leon and Lance are being good co-captains.” Merlin tried to reassured them. They are trying to get into regionals, he remembers.

Arthur looks at him with a pained grin. Merlin starts to talk to him about a new place he has discovered near Islington, that sells vegan cookies, he talks about the different ways to substitute the eggs and how they have something called Thick scream shakes, Arthur seems to pay attention to what he says , at least he is being little distracted. Which is all he can hope for now.

“Arthur Pendragon, please go to room 4, please.” Says the voice on the speakers. Merlin circles his arm around Arthur‘s waist to help him up as Arthur limps.

When they are in the room a pretty blonde doctor who looks like someone pissed on her coffee that morning, lets them in and Arthur lays on the cot. The doctor reads the chart and there seems to be some recognition because her eyes widen and Merlin frowns as her resting bitch face transform into a really fake smile. What the fuck?

“Hello, Mr Pendragon. I’m Doctor Sidhe but you can call me Sofia. What do we have here?” She says sugary sweet as she starts touching Arthur’s ankle.

Merlin’s eyes watch as her hands go from the ankle to almost resting in Arthur’s upper thigh while the patient hasn't stop looking at the doctor since she touched him and smiled at him.

“So how did this happen?” She asks looking intently to Arthur as she moves his ankle and Arthur groans, grimacing in pain. 

“Someone came into me and I fell.” Arthur explains opening his eyes looking at her, almost hypnotised. He gets it, the woman is pretty he still wants to shake Arthur. Merlin rolls his eyes. 

“How is you level of pain from 1 to 10?” Thankfully she went to focusing on Arthur's injury so Merlin could stop trying to chuckle at the whole interaction.

“A 7, maybe.” Arthur attempted not to moan, Merlin could tell by the whiteness of his knuckles and the barely conceal of the pain on his face that he was trying to be stronger. The moron.

“Well. From what I’m noticing I’ll say is just a really bad sprain. So no broken bones. But we will do an x-ray. Mr Pendragon.” Her hand goes back to his thigh, definitely where his injury was not. Merlin clears his throat and his eyes meets Arthur’s ,who shakes his head finally looking at him. That strange glossed over look on his eyes is gone.

“Right,thank you. Doctor.”Arthur says voice severe.

“I said you can call me Sofia. Will you need any help getting to the x-ray room? I can help you if you want." She stares at Arthur hopefully and seeing no reaction starts to fondle Arthur's bicep. "Wow! You work out a lot don’t you? ” The woman is laying it on thick with the touching. Merlin has to give her that. Arthur gives him a desperate look. Now you need my help don’t you? Merlin tells himself.

He shakes his head with a smug grin.

“I think I can take care of my boyfriend.” Merlin blurts out, approaching them and removing Sofia’s hand from where it is under Arthur’s shorts.

Merlin doesn’t know where the boyfriend part came from but he doesn’t mind one bit hearing that word coming out of him talking about Arthur.

“Yeah..-“ Arthur clears his throat.” My boyfriend will help me.” He couldn’t have been more awkward. Merlin hides a laugh with his hand. Merlin circles his waist and they leave.

They run into Mithian and Frey as they get out of the room, concern expressions on their faces.

Their friends share a look that he pointedly ignored. He was more focused on the force of his heart, pumping on his chest. It was so easy, to touch Arthur, to joke around and to just be with him and just like that a dark cloud appears, he could have had that but he ruined because that is what he does. The previous smile tightens and turns a little fake.

Arthur frowns adorably confused, the prat. Merlin just grins wanting to believe he is fine for a bit longer. He squeezes the part of his hips that he is touching. Arthur's frown goes away. And the small flicker of hope he has been trying to put away grows bigger.

Certainly he sees too how they understand each other, right? How is such a rare thing. How the moment Arthur remembers his pain again with a grimace, Merlin gives him the bottled water that Freya offers.

"We must hurry to the x-ray room." Merlin says taking more of Arthur's weight as they walk.

Half an hour later, they are done, Arthur's foot is in a compression bandage and they are both starving.

When they pop up at the waiting room, all their friends are there occupying a quarter of it. Lance, Leon and Gwaine are acting mysteriously however.

"So what happened?" Arthur asks as soon as he notices they won't talk. Their faces turn mischievous and their eyes meeting in some type of conspiracy. They grin widely.

" The Knight destroyed them ! 5 to 1, baby! " Gwaine exclaims. Arthur is so excited he forgets about his crutches and goes to hug his friends,who welcome him in open arms. Merlin takes the crutches before they fall to the floor.

"How long are you going to be with the cast?" wonders Lance kneeling to touch the cast. Leon makes Arthur lean on him.

Merlin uses the distraction to sit next to Freya, that is when he realizes he is tired and his arms hurt. He leans his head on Freya's shoulder and steals some of her Haribo bears.

"We should talk." She whispers softly caressing his shoulders , which relieves the tension on them a little. her touch is so comforting , he could almost ignore what his friend is trying to tell him. he doesn't, he wants to tell someone he is keeping everything in. Finally.

"When we get home." he promises.

"Is it a Sandy and Candy, type of conversation?"

"Yeah."He replies. Freya looks at him and offers him more candy.

Gwen takes the chair next to where he was seated.

"What are you whispering about?" Gwen asks taking more bears. He should also talk to her. He realises. 

"We're having a Sandy and Candy night. You should come." Merlin says looking at Arthur again, he really should stop.

Gwen follows his eyes and then looks at him understanding.

"I will bring the ice cream then." She adds with a smile. Freya's eyes widen in excitement, she really likes ice cream.

Sandy and Candy night has been a regular thing since Merlin and Freya moved together, watching Sandra Bullock movies while eating all types of junk food and drinking copious amounts of alcohol.They usually happenned when they needed a cheer me up and Gwen knew this having been in a few of them. Merlin definitely needed one and the reason for it was limping until he was in front of him, palm wide.

"My crutches?" Arthur demands in a very pratty tone. Merlin rises an eyebrow.

"Try it again.” Merlin says drily.

Arthur rolls his eyes.

“My crutches that I need to walk, Merlin. “ Merlin knows he is being a bit of bastard but he just can’t help it.

Arthur sighs and says “ Please.” Merlin hands then to him and stands up just in case Arthur needs help. He doesn’t. It hurts a little. 

When they are about to leave the hospital, Doctor Sidhe stops them.

“Arthur!” She yells. They all turn. “You forgot your pain prescription.”

“Oh. Right. Thanks doctor.” Merlin takes the paper since obviously Arthur can’t.

The venomous gaze that he receives almost makes him regret it instead he stands taller and rests his arm in Arthur’s shoulder.

“Your boyfriend should take good care of you. We don’t want you ending up here again soon.” Despite the supposed benevolence of her words the real intention is clear.

“Of course. Merlin is a great caretaker.” Arthur adds his smile reminiscent of his sister, not the usually relaxed one but with a dark edge to it. It’s actually sexy.

Fuck.

“Thanks, darling.” Merlin says softly leaning closer to Arthur.

Doctor Sidhe looks at them with almost disgust and leaves hurriedly.

Arthur sighs.

“I don’t ever wanna see her again.” He murmurs loud enough for him to hear.

“Same. She is intense.”

“Her flirting technique really needs work.” Arthur chuckles. Merlin does too.

It’s when they turn and their friends are looking at them strangely that they realise what they heard.

“We are n-“ they both start in unison. He doesn’t know why is a tad hard for him to say the next words. “ We are not dating.” He finally says.

Gwen, lovely Gwen is the one to break the new found awkward silence.

“Of course. We know.” Lance and her share a look and they cuddle closer and hold hands.

“If you were, you would tell us.” Says Gwaine with a smirk.

Merlin and Arthur look at each other and say nothing.

Since Leon lives closer to Arthur he is the one to leave him at his flat as Merlin goes home with Freya.

As soon as he sees his couch he lays on it and groans. Today was strange and hard.And he misses the warmth of Arthur’s body.All those touches have left him reeling. Pretending to be his boyfriend despite the fun at first have left him a bit hollow. It could have been true, and it hurts.

Freya sits next to him and pats his head. Merlin begs internally the couch to swallow him. It doesn't.

He doesn’t deserve pity because everything is his fault. Something his brain loves to remind him and he hates to acknowledge.

Freya leaves him to commiserate himself in peace.

As she promised a few hours later Gwen comes over with the ice cream. Three tubes of Ben & Jerry, including the elusive Baked Alaska. One of his favorites. S

Merlin has even trying to read a book for a couple of hours with no result. His mind doesn’t want to cooperate.

He leaves the book in the coffee table and goes to give a hug to his best friend who just sighs and pats his back.

“That bad, huh?” She whispers.

“He is being moping since he came back from Paris.” Freya adds getting the shot glasses. Of course she noticed, sadly he is one of the most obvious men on the planet, he did try to hide it, though. But she has learnt to read him so well. 

It’s tequila night because Freya only drinks that or vodka and the tequila was cheaper today at Tesco and they had some limes from a key lime pie Merlin made the other day.

Merlin takes an already cut slice of lime, pours some salt on his hand and takes a shot

It burns on his throat.

“ Starting already, Merls?” Freya asks.

“ I should have drank earlier.” Merlin replies pouring himself another shot.

Before he takes a third, Gwen’s hand stops him.

“Merlin. What happened?” She asks serious, her eyes soft , he turns to Freya who has the same look on her face.

‘I’m the worst is what happened.” Merlin says easily, it is what he has been thinking all week.

“We are going to need more details than that. There was such a weird tension today between you and Arthur. You both looked hurt but then kept looking for each other’s touch. You looked so comfortable with your hands on each other. You smiled every time you did that. You looked happy but Gwen and I, we saw something else too. I don’t want to mention Mordred but does how it looked, you looked in pain. You still do. Also you had this I’m pining vibe.” Freya adds her hand squeezing his arm.

Mordred... it has been so long since he thought about him. He takes a shot. He is not thinking about him now.

His head was less clearer than before but he felt more capable of speaking now.

He knows he should have told them when it was happening but he couldn’t believe himself. He wanted to be something between the two of them.

“Let’s take a seat.” He says directing himself hands full to the sofa. His friends following behind.

He leaves the snacks on the table and he sits.

“ I run into Arthur when I was in Paris.” He starts saying.

“ Okay...” Gwen leans closer.

“ And it was so great. I introduced him to Isolde, Haru.. you know my people from Paris. They got along so well. Haru is half in love with him, I think. “ he chuckles at the memory of his friend giving him macaroon for Arthur with a little smile and a knowing look.

“ Did you know he speaks french? Anyway. He was so carefree and less of a prat than usual and he kept staring at me in this way that made me feel special, I guess. And you know that we have been getting along so well lately and that night we went to your house... we talked a lot and about these important things and I felt we connected in a way. That maybe we were becoming really good friends. He opened up and I opened up. The thing is that I loved that conversation. I understood why you thought about paring us up.” He almost grins thinking about that disastrous first date. Weird that he thinks about it with fondness now. Figures. 

“ You really like him, don’t you?” Guesses Freya. Merlin nods.

“Yeah. I do. “ He finally admits out loud. There is a part of him that feels that maybe that is not the exact way to explain what is it that he is feeling towards Arthur.Bit for now is the one that he can use.

“What else happened?” Gwen asks preparing Freya a shot.

“ We saw each other almost everyday and he kept opening up and showing me more of himself and every small detail he showed me, I liked. We talked about our parents... and we went to the Tour Eiffel it was almost romantic. Us in Paris, you know?” Merlin sighs and rests his head on the couch.

“ Arthur talked about his mom? Arthur?” Gwen’s voice rises up in shock.

“Yeah. Why?” Merlin looks at he friend with a frown.

“Arthur never talks about his mom. This I know. It was one of the things Lance told me before I met Arthur to never mentioned his mom. He doesn’t like it.”

Merlin remembers how hard it was for Arthur to discuss his mother and the watery eyes when they were on the Tour Eiffel.

“Merlin. Arthur’s mother aside. What you’re telling us it all sounds like good things. So how are you the worst?” Freya leads the topic back to him, getting Merlin out of his memories.

He takes a swig of the vodka. Tequila wasn’t enough.

“We ... we almost kissed.” At this both of his friends turned to him, surprise on their faces.

“What! Merlin! And you didn’t call me right away? I told you when Lance and I almost kissed too. “

Merlin takes another swig and then sighs and puts his head between his legs.

He feels two hands rubbing his back

“ Why didn’t you?” Freya asks. She is doing the hard questions today.

“ Pierre called.”

“ No! No! Why did you answers the fucking phone, Merlin? What were you thinking?!” Gwen yells, she is not very prone to yelling so if she does you know something is very wrong.

“ I don’t fucking know! We were watching Skam France and the character were kissing and then he looked at me like he wanted to kiss me and he looked at my lips and he leaned over and I freaked out. I fucking freaked out! Because he is important, okay? And I don’t know! I’m an complete moron! But... that is not everything. The day of Isolde and Tristan’s wedding I got really really really drunk, they had a free bar and Arthur was acting like nothing happened, and I felt hurt so I drank and then I thought about confront him and Isolde’s cousin came over me and he kissed me and I kissed him back for like two seconds thinking it was Arthur, they were wearing similar suits and they look alike and I just was drunk and I’m horrible and then he didn't talk to me for days and when I told him to meet up so I could explain myself , he... he got a call and he was meeting a guy and planning a date. So... yeah I fucked up, bad. I don't know what to do. I like him so much." Merlin's voice breaks.

Merlin rubs his face with his hands,

"Maybe is not serious, you know? Maybe he was hurt and did it out of spite or something? " offers Gwen seeing the bright side of the situation like usual.

I didn't matter anyway, Merlin was still fucking fucked.


	2. Green-eyed monster attacks again.

**2 months after the wedding**

Merlin doesn’t want to be here, but here he is celebrating his own fucking birthday. He is at his favourite dance club because his friends, his not so lovely friends decided to throw him a surprise party. 

He thought he was just meeting Gwen for dinner but no.

It all would be quite lovely and nice if only were his friends but Arthur, the prat that he is been trying to forget for two difficult and hard months, has decided it was time to bring his boyfriend. His beautiful, kind boyfriend who even bought him a present.

A present that he even likes. A baking book for a pastry chef is a kinda in the nose as a gift but he actually wanted the book so, he can’t complain.

At first everything was going well they were on one of his favourite restaurants and he opened his presents and it was almost nice except that Jabir wouldn’t stop talking.  And just a few minutes later Jabir is making everyone laugh and he is sharing stories about his trips abroad and how he helps a charity with humanitarian work.  Because of course he does.

The bloke is fucking perfect and Merlin...Merlin kinda hates him.

He hasn’t stopped talking yet. Does he have so many stories it’s been hours already?

Merlin believes himself to be a reasonable person. He is totally not the type to get jealous or envious or whatever the word is.

He doesn’t. He knows his value so what is there to be jealous about.

He is a catch. His friends say so.

Then they might a bit biased but still it counts.

However all the qualities that he likes about himself pale in comparison to Jabir, perfectly gorgeous Jabir.

They’re so different that Merlin wonders if Arthur even liked him in the first place. He shakes his head. Not the time for that.

A sudden pat on his shoulder makes him look to his left when Elena seats next to him.

“ You don’t want to get caught staring at him.” she murmurs.

From all the people invited to his party including his very best friends, she is one of who he thought would be less likely to figure out his mood.

“Sorry.” He apologises not even knowing why for.

Elena just squeezes his hand.

“Don’t worry, love. I kinda hate him too.” She says whispering and then giggling on his ear. That almost gets him to smile. 

“Thank you! He is like so perfect! Argh..” he adds, his mood a little better now that he knows he is not the only one.

“Right?!”

They look at each other and they laugh, getting the attention of their whole group.

“What’s so funny?” Asks Arthur from is place near the bar, with perfect Jabir plastered next to him. How did he even heard them? He asks himself confused.

“Nothing.” Answers Elena winking at Merlin.

Merlin presses his lips together holding himself from laughing again.

They all go back to listening to Jabir except Arthur who furrows his brows and mouths “ Tell me later.”

Elena and Merlin nod although they both know they won’t.

“ I take it you’re not very happy with this party...” Elena starts.

“I love my friends and I love that they planned this for me.” He is being sincere, he loves the gesture, planning a party for him when he is usually organizes this type of thing, he didn't this year because he couldn't be less in the mood being here just confirms it. He wants to be home, snuggled in bed reading a book. No one bothering him ,just alone. 

Her blue eyes so similar to Arthur’s are on his. He is not fooling her.

“ I would have preferred it if it was only my friends though. I don’t want to sound like a spoiled child but it feels like he is stealing my friends.” Merlin looks at his fidgety hands, his gaze avoiding his friends at the bar. He totally sounded like a spoiled child. Oh, well...

He needs a drink. Something stronger than the beer he is been nursing for the better half of an hour.

“ While it is true that you do sound like a spoiled child with what you’re saying I also get where you’re coming from. “ Elena twists her head to Jabir. “ He should have stayed quiet.”

“ Well, it is the first time you’re all meeting him.” Merlin defends him. Even when he doesn’t know why. He doesn't like him not because he is dating Arthur but because he is feeling inferior. He is making feel like he doe sn't belong with his friends. When THEY are HIS friends.

“ He is just rubbing his perfectness to us. I don’t like him. “ Elena scrunches her face and takes a sip from her pink cocktail.

“ As long as Arthur likes him, we might have to stand him, don’t we?” He reminds himself. Being Arthur's friend is all he has left as a relationship to Arthur , he should be a good one and a good one doesn't mention he strongly dislikes their new boyfriend when they haven't done anything. Right?

Jabir is here because Arthur likes him. So he should do what’s best for his friend, suck it up and actually be nice.

But it’s hard. Merlin rubs a hand through his face and sighs.

“I don’t think he does as much as he appears.” Elena says so low Merlin has trouble hearing it maybe it wasn’t meant for him to hear.

Merlin looks at Elena who is now playing with the little umbrella from her glass.

“We can hate him in secret though.” Merlin says changing the subject. At least he has an ally in this, he is not alone. He appreciates it, a lot right now. He squeezes Elena's hand. They haven't been very close despite her relationship with Gwaine and Arthur and the fact that he really likes her as a person. That should change tonight he is deciding.

“I like your mind, Merlin .” She smiles at him.

“ Wanna get drunk and pretend to be snotty people?”

Elena nods and finishes her drink, Merlin copies her.

“ I hear that you didn’t went to Wimbledon this year, Mr Emrys?” Asks Elena in a very accurate imitation of the Queen.

Any distraction is a good distraction and this is fun.

Merlin clears his throat.

“ Well, Ms Dubois. I had to do a fundraiser for cis straight men who don’t know how to do laundry, you know. I couldn’t be helped. My dearest Charles did come though. He says it was a really delightful match. “ Merlin replies in his snottiest voice. He is just really imitating the actors from the Crown.

“ I see. A very important subject. They are in such times of need. “

They laugh again.

No one turns to look at them this time. To busy laughing at something Jabir said.

Elena follows his eyes. Merlin moves them away.

Everything is alright he tells himself.

“ I’m going to get us a refill.” She says taking his glass and standing up.

“ I’d like a jack and coke, please. “ Might as well get something stronger than beer if he wants to get drunk. 

“ Of course,Mr Emrys.”

“ Thank you, Ms Dubois.”

A few rounds later when they are both in the middle of getting tipsy, Gwen and Gwaine appear suddenly in front of them almost causing him a heart attack. He hiccups.

“Mate. Are you drunk?” Gwaine asks sitting next to Elena who just lays on him giggling.

“ Not as much as I want to.” Merlin answers truthfully, he takes the final sip on his second jack and coke. 

His eyes move to where they always go lately, no matter how hard he tries not to. To Arthur, Jabir is leaning almost completely on him, their eyes meet and Arthur smiles. Jabir kisses him, Arthur kisses back.

Merlin stops looking and starts his third drink, he did well ordering two at the same time. He really doesn’t want to remember today.

Did it have to be his birthday though? Couldn't it be another fucking day, like a footie match and then he can't pretend that something came up with work and can leave and doesn't have to go through this.

“Merlin!” Gwen yells taking the glass from his hands.

“ What! Now you’re interested in me? What happened Jabir ran out of stories to tell? I’m sure he has a few more about how he is the next ambassador of UNICEF or how he saved a kitty all shirtless showing his perfect body.“ He knows that those thoughts are mean but it hurts. He doesn't understand but he is angry and vicious, he though the alcohol would mellow him out a bit but instead he is raging inside, he is angry at his friend who have spent all night ignoring in favor of Jabir and mostly he hates himself because in the end , he knows everything it's his fault, maybe everything would be different and he would be the one leaning against Arthur and kissing him instead of watching it from afar. 

Seeing his friends liking Jabir so much and ignoring him in his fucking birthday party, that they planned doesn't help. 

The alcohol in his veins making him forget about he consequences of his words.

Gwen and Gwaine share a look. He doesn’t give a shit. They can go back to talk to perfect Jabir for all he cares right now. 

“ Elena and me, we want to be alone. “ Merlin turns to look at Elena, who has broke the contact with her boyfriend and is instead getting closer to him.

She gives him a sad smile.

“ Love?” Gwaine asks his brow furrowed.

“Not now.” Elena says serious. Gwaine nods and they exchange a look.

Merlin can't be bothered to try and figure out what it means now, He takes back the glass with his drink and takes a long sip.

“Merlin...” Gwen still has the same concerned expression from before.

“ Gwen. I’m quite honestly not in the mood. Just let me drink. Please.” He begs as a last resort, if anger doesn't work, maybe pity will. 

He has never felt the need to forget as much as tonight.

Merlin takes a last look at Arthur and Jabir, his heart hurts and he wants to cry so he finishes his drink.

He will beg but he won’t cry.

The rest of his friends are busy dancIng in the dance floor. He should do that too.

He stands up and ignoring his friends offers his hand to Elena.

“ Want to dance, Ms Dubois?” He asks hopeful. Merlin needs at least someone by his side.

Elena grins and takes his hand. “ Absolutely, Mr Emrys.” Tonight he has her.

And then they leave Gwen and Gwaine behind he is going to fucking enjoy his party even if it is the last thing he does. They planned it, he might as well have fun. 

The minute they are in the middle of the concentration of people, his energy shifts and he wants to jump, to sing and to take pleasure in this. So he does.

As If on cue one of his favourite songs starts playing.

Everything is alright.

Elena and him give their everything on the dance floor, they might look like absolute fools but they don’t care. He knows he doesn't.

When they are sweaty and in need of a non- alcoholic drink at a dark corner of the bar Merlin says to her. “ I wouldn’t have survived this night without you. Thank you, Elena. I truly appreciate it and this is not the alcohol talking just so you know.”

Elena gazes at him the same softness on her eyes and her mouth.

“You like my cousin, don’t you?” She asks point blank and his heart stops as if he just got caught with his hand on the cookie jar. Merlin thinks about lying, denying everything and make his sadness all about his friends ignoring him but after what they have share and despite how close she is to Arthur, Merlin exhales loudly and just says. “ I do but... I fucked it up.”

A heartbeat later he adds. “ Please don’t tell him.”

She nods in understanding.

“ You do know you’re a pair of fools, don’t you?” Merlin furrows his brow confused. He know he is but why would Arthur be.

He seems to be the smarter of the two. He moves on quickly from whatever they could have had and now he has perfect Jabir.

His friend, because that is what she has become tonight, his friend. She is not just Gwaine’s girlfriend and Arthur’s cousin, she uses her fingers to smooth the wrinkle on his brow. “ You’ll understand someday.” She says patronising.

Merlin hugs her instead of giving more thought to her mysterious words.

“Back in Paris...” Elena starts muffled by his shirt and the high volume of the music despite all that Merlin listens.

“Yeah...” He doesn’t know where she is going with this still a wave of profound fear fills him.

“Why did you kissed someone else?” Elena asks breaking from the embrace and all the blood leaves his body.

Even with the whiskey in his bloodstream, all the warmth that the alcohol provides disappears. He is cold. She knows and if she knows, he was right and the shadow from that day was Arthur. No doubt about it now.

“I thought it was him. I had never been so drunk to be honest. Unless you count right now.” He answers truthfully. There is a bad mix of emotions within himself he doesn’t know if he wants to cry or laugh or if he wants the ground to swallow him.

“ Does he know?” Merlin whispers looking at her intently.

Elena shakes her head. That's a relief at least, he doesn't think Merlin likes him so they can be normal.

“It doesn’t matter anymore, does it? He is dating Jabir and I’m here getting pretty drunk with his cousin. No offence.” Merlin chuckles quietly.

“Arthur is maybe an even bigger idiot than you are.” Elena adds raising her eyebrow.

“I’m offended by that. I don’t what you were talking about but still .” A voice he recognises pretty well says behind him. Merlin feels his body heat close to his, Arthur, speaking of the devil.

“Artie!” Elena yells and throws herself at him, who catches her easily.

As far as distractions go that one is pretty good.

“You two have been chummy all night. Should Gwaine be worried, Ellie?” Arthur says his gaze moving between them.

So he did noticed. Merlin pretends that he doesn’t care and that he is not affected in any way by this. It doesn't work very well.

“Where is Jabir?” He asks because he feels like he has to.

“ He left. He has a thing early tomorrow, he looked for you to say goodbye but we couldn’t find you.” Arthur explains with a smile, this time directed at him.

He shouldn’t love it as much as he does, he thinks smiling back.

“ Oh... that is so sad.” Elena adds in a very fake tone he has never hear her use.

“ Elena...” her cousin warns. She just shrugs her shoulders.

The interaction between them is something his muddled brain understands. Arthur knows that Elena doesn’t like Jabir.

Merlin knows that Arthur loves his cousin like they were siblings so knowing that his boyfriend doesn’t have Elena’s approval must be difficult for him.

All alcohol aside, he believes his brain cells shouldn’t be able to make those connections.

“ Do you want to get drunk with us?” she asks cheerily.

“Yes! Drink with us!” Merlin adds calling the bartender over. More alcohol is in order.

“ You two together are a menace.” Arthur points at them almost laughing.

“ You love us.” Elena says grinning widely.

Arthur pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs.” The jury’s still out”

The bartender interrupts whatever Arthur was going to say next.

Despite his earlier statement Merlin hesitates about having more alcohol in Arthur’s proximity is recommendable.  He is already affected by his presence. He wants to touch him, to lean on his like Jabir did earlier and get a kiss in return. He wants it so bad. Having him almost pressed to him is not really helping.

“I’ll have a piña colada.” Merlin finally says, is not water but it doesn’t have as much alcohol as his previous drinks. A good compromise.

“Whiskey on the rocks.” Orders Arthur his voice on his ear.

“Another piña colada.” Adds Elena.  After the bartender prepares their drinks quickly, Elena grabs their free hands and pulls them towards the dance floor.  Merlin wants to feel as free as he was before but the pull towards Arthur doesn’t disappear it grows instead.  He could lean on him and blame it on the alcohol.

He shakes his head. Nope. No more mistakes.

Arthur has a boyfriend and it's not him.

Fuck control. He is having another one. Maybe it would finally numb him.

It doesn’t, even so Merlin has fun, dancing, singing and drinking with Elena and Arthur.

His birthday party didn’t start the way he wanted it but is finishing great.

Tired and sweaty the three of them finally find some places to sit.

Merlin notices how the club is emptying. Must be later than he thought. He is hungry and thirsty.

He also finally realised something.

“ Arthur?” Merlin asks.

“ Yeah?”

“ Where are our friends?” Arthur roams his gaze towards Elena and him.

“ Merlin? They left? Hours ago I think. They said goodbye.”

Merlin frowns he doesn’t remember that at all.

“ Uh.”

Arthur laughs so freely, Merlin can’t help but stare. It’s so rare to see him like that.

“We should get pizza!” Elena exclaims, never has something sound so appealing.

“Yes!” He says back. His stomach growling. He barely ate at the restaurant he remembers. Not hungry.

“Then let’s go!” Arthur says standing up and offering his hand to them.

Merlin takes it.

When Merlin wakes up the next morning, he is at a place he doesn’t recognise there’s too much white for it to be his flat.

He burrows himself more into sheets. It’s so warm and nice.

The second time he wakes up, he is more alert than the first and he still doesn’t know where the fuck he is .

He is only wearing his boxers so he at least had the common sense not to sleep on his jeans. He tries to stand up but the world spins a little. Grabbing the edge of the nightstand next to the bed, Merlin helps himself up.

The sound of music coming through the door makes him follow it, there is a smell too...

Is that bacon?

His stomach is in a conundrum, it appears he doesn’t know if it is hurting or if he is hungry.

At least his head is not hurting and he doesn’t want to puke so that’s something.

He gets flashes from last night, there was so much drinking he is surprised he is in such good form right now even when doesn’t remember much.

The walls leading to the bacon and the music are grey, they have some pretty paintings and some film posters.

There weren’t any personal touches to the long grey halls.

How big was this house?

When he finally reached the living room. There was a long, apparently comfortable, couch, a big telly and shelves full of books and those types of knicks-knack that you see in alrady decorated rooms at Ikea but everything was beautifully decorated.

There were some touches of red.

Everything was fucking pristine specially compare to his mess of a house, with his Ikea blankets and Frey’s shoes everywhere. She never picks them up and after so long telling her. He prefers to just leave the shoes where they are.

Merlin finally reaches the source of the smells and the music. Opening the kitchen door he finds exactly what he hoped for.

Arthur.

Arthur, who with his low waisted grey pyjama pants and soft blue shirt looks like the epitome of domesticity, holding a spatula and moving around the bacon frying on the pan.

He yearns for that. For finding Arthur every Sunday cooking them breakfast because they’ve spent the night together. He wants to hug him from behind and lean his chin on his shoulder as he watches Arthur cook and they'll share a kiss and it would be so good.

Instead Merlin is at Arthur’s house because he got so drunk he didn’t even remember his fucking address. At least that's is what he thinks happened. His memory is a bit hazy at the moment.

Despite the few memories he has after the third jack and coke he knows he didn’t make any mistake for which he would always be utterly grateful to his drunk self.

“Good morning!” Merlin says. Arthur bring a hand to his chest. He scared him. Merlin smiles.

“ Good morning.” Arthur’s eyes roam his body and then quickly turns around.

Right! He left his shirt at the room. He is too lazy now to go pick it up.

His body moves him forward where the food is, bacon and eggs already plated. His mouth waters at the delicious smell.

Thankfully his stomach has made a decision. He is more hungry than sick.

“I didn’t know you could cook.” Merlin teases sitting in one of the chairs in front of the breakfast bar. Such a posh thing to have.

"Ha ha, I can take the food if you don't want it." Arthur warns and Merlin holds the dish with the bacon protectively towards his chest. No one is touching his food.

"You wouldn't!" He is thinking about taking the eggs as well.

"I would." Arthur says seriously getting closer, putting the bacon from the pan in another plate.

" Not on my birthday? I love bacon and eggs. Arthur, please." Merlin sticks his bottom lip out and looks at his friend with what he hopes are puppy dog eyes.

Arthur shakes his head containing what Merlin knows is a smile.

"Are you doing anything today?" Arthur asks after leaving the spatula and pan on the sink and grabbing a couple of glasses.He silently makes him decide between orange or apple juice. Merlin chooses orange he sees how Arthur uses a Keurig to get himself a coffee.

After the whole procedure, he leaves the brick of juice on the bar and finally sits.

"Merlin." He shakes himself out of his reverie.  “ I asked you what are your plans for today?” his tone almost petulant.

Merlin scratches his head and yawns.

“You mean besides wanting to survive. I don’t know I usually spend it alone.” He lightly slaps his face. He is still sleepy.

“Oh, I’ve figured you’ll go see your family or something.”

“ No, my mum is busy today at the hospital so we’ll see each other tomorrow. What about you?” He takes a piece of toast from a basket. Who has a basket just for bread? He wonders and dives right into his eggs, maybe he should make a sandwich.

“ Nothing, either. Do you want to do something together?” As soon as Arthur asks he doesn’t want to do anything else.

“Yeah, I do.”

Maybe it was retribution for having Arthur and his friends ignored him most of the night, now he could have him all for himself.

In the end he gets home late at night, after one of the greatest birthdays he ever had. He launches himself at his bed, he is exhausted they didn’t stop during the day. He also wants to scream into his pillow like a little girl but he is distracted by a knock on the door.

“Enter.” Merlin says to Freya. His excellent mood is slowly evaporating, he hasn’t totally forgotten what happened yesterday.

Freya gets in, head down and shoulder slumped a total contrast to how she usually is. Merlin sits on the bed and pats the place next to him.

“I owe you and apology. “ she starts.” I wasn’t a good friend yesterday.”

“ No, you weren’t. I only talked to Elena last night. She is the only one who noticed that I wasn’t okay and we barely know each other. I felt ignored yesterday. You all were so enraptured by Jabir. I get that he is new to the group and you were trying to welcome him but by doing so you forgot about me at my birthday party that you guys planned, so imagine how I felt when my friends were more interested in the boyfriend of the man I like than on me. I’m aware I sound childish...” Merlin sighs.” That I’m adult or whatever but I hated it. I don’t like Jabir. I’m pretty sure that he is a great person but seeing him with Arthur hurt me. And you paying all that attention to him didn’t exactly help the situation.” He rubs a hand through his face.

He is not one to speak about his feelings but what happened yesterday despite the good ending of the night with Elena and then with Arthur, just made him sad.

His gaze to the sad face of his friends. She was looking downcast, he was probably overreacting.

“ Look, just forget it. I’ll talk to Gwen and the rest.” Merlin adds. It’s not as big of a deal as he made it out to be.

Freya lays her hand over his.

“ No, Merlin you always do this. You forgive us too easily. We hurt you and you were right we weren’t the best of friends yesterday. It was your birthday party and instead of us focusing on you we focused on Jabir much more than we should and we should have known that you were in a bad mood. You’re my best friend and I wasn’t there. Also with Jabir being who he is. Of course you were even more hurt. I’m really sorry.”

Merlin shakes his head.

“ I still had fun. Elena is a great drinking buddy. It all wasn’t bad.”

“‘You seemed like you had fun.” Freya says her face getting back some of her usual happiness.

“ Yeah, I forgive you. Okay? Can I forgive you and forget it now?” Merlin asks softly.

Freya nods and leans on his shoulder. Merlin wraps an arm on her shoulders.

“Happy birthday Merlin.”

He had to reach out to the rest of his friends who have been wishing him a happy birthday and explain the situation like he just did with Freya but for now he just enjoyed this moment.

"What did you do today?"

"I had the best birthday I've had on a while." He grins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! ^^


	3. A brunch of consequences.

**3 months after the wedding.**

"No, Merlin. I'm not taking the piss. I really think you should tell Arthur about your feelings. You just said it yourself, you can't forget him. Knowing how he feels is only going to help you."

"Gwen, he is dating someone else, that is a very clear sign of him not returning my feelings." Merlin says almost angry.

In the last hour they've been here at Dominique Ansel devouring tarts and catching up. He should have known that obviously his best friend would ask him about the Arthur situation and ever since his birthday party she is being more concerned than usual, according to her he is not doing well with the whole thing; something he could have told you himself and now here they are discussing again the foolish notion of Merlin talking to the dollophead about how he makes Merlin fuzzy inside and his heart thud on his chest.

Ha! As if...

Gwen sighs probably reading his thoughts.

" I- I haven't told you anything. Okay? I might...have overheard Lance and Arthur talking about how Arthur and Jabir might be having problems the other day." She sounds ashamed.

"You? Eavesdropping? " He is fixating more on that aspect than on imagining a scenario where Arthur and Jabir break up. Merlin shakes his head.

"Every couple has problems. Maybe they have fixed it already and anyway I'm not going to put Arthur on that position... of having to avoid me because I really like him and he has a boyfriend, and it gets awkward and... No! No way! " That would make him a very bad friend and one of the few things Merlin prides himself for is being a good friend. Most of the time, anyway.

His friend sighs again. Merlin doesn't know what to do.

"I just can't keep seeing you like this. You haven't been yourself in months, You're so down all the time, you're only happier when you're next to him and even then when he is looking away you get mopey. I know you blame yourself. I hate it." Her voice is so quiet but full of concern, the same feeling that was all over her face.

"Freya said that you're eating less, you are taking longer walks and you're hiding up in your room more. I want my best friend back, okay? I love you Merlin and I don't want to see you like that. If I have to help you avoid Arthur for the rest of our lives, I would. Just please tell him."

"Even at your wedding?" He adds trying to lighten the serious mood evolving them.

"Even at my wedding." She promises, her brown eyes sincere.

How could he not love her? Merlin stands up and wraps his arms around her.

"I'm sorry to make you worry. I love you too. " Merlin whispers on her ear before pulling away, Gwen covers his hands with hers.

"I know. So will you tell him?" She asks hopefully.

"I will think about it." Which is the most he can promise her.

\------------  
Merlin is still thinking about that conversation a few days later as he gets ready to receive Arthur at his house.They are having breakfast or he guesses that at this hour ,brunch, one that he has spent a hour and a half preparing.

Should he tell him? Finally clear things up ? he thinks as he dries his hair with the towel.

Was this the best time?

They had such a great time on his birthday, it was so great, they haven't had a time like that since Paris and now here he was trying to ruin it.

Nope. Not thinking about that right now. Merlin runs a hand through his face, exhales and finishes up tying his shoelaces.

A ping thankfully distracts him. A text from Arthur.

\- Something came up at work so I might be a little late 30 mins tops.-

\- No worries.- He texts back getting settled on his bed and getting back to read the Christina Tosi book, Gwen got him for his birthday.

30 minutes later as he is on his way to Earl's Court Station he gets a call from Arthur.

"So I think I might be lost." Arthur says and Merlin wants to laugh. He has never sound so defeated.

"You might be or you are?" Merlin asks trying to wind him up.

"Fine, I'm lost. I don't know where I am." Arthur's tone resigned.

Instead of chuckling which is what he wants to do, he tries to be helpful.

"What do you see?" Maybe he is just on a different exit.

"There are a lot of bloody Tescos, I see a Costa too."

"Arthur, you just described basically every neighbourhood in London, clotpole!" Merlin exclaims also seeing what Arthur is describing but no Arthur.

"I don't think that means what you think it means."

"Are you offended?" Merlin asks, he hears a quiet murmur of yes. " Just send me your location."

5 mins later he finds Arthur, he is tapping his foot and looking at his phone, he is so impatient.

"Hey! Cabbage head! " Merlin yells waving at him.

“I hate your neighbourhood." It's what he says as he gets closer. He looks so adorably offended is ridiculous.

Arthur pulls him to an one armed hug, like always. Merlin relishes the closeness, his warmth creeping to his bones, he inhales the smell of his citrus cologne and then everything is gone.

Merlin feels cold.

"What? Is it not to our king standards?" Merlin teases trying to cover up the sudden feeling on loneliness.

Arthurs lightly punches his shoulder.

"Ha, ha very funny. Who told you? Was it Gwaine?" Arthur asks.

"I'm keeping mum on that." It was actually Elena, who has become one of Merlin's favorite people, the one who send him an article by a finances magazine where Arthur is called the future king of technology because of his achievements and future projects for Camelot industries. There was a photoshoot included which made him and Elena laughed, but he had to admit that Arthur looked gorgeous. When doesn't he though?

"If I was really a king I would throw you to the dungeons or better yet I'll have you as my own manservant so you will have to follow my every wish."

"I don't think that is how the monarchy works anymore that's more medieval times." Merlin says back." Also as if I would ever listen to you." Arthur shakes his head, half a smile on his face.

"Yeah, you're right you will be the worst manservant ever."

"Yep and proud of it." Arthur nods, he knows it too.

"George could be a good manservant." Arthur adds mentioning his assistant, Merlin has seen him a couple of times.

"He'd probably follow you to the bathroom." Merlin jokes from what he knows of him it does seem plausible. Arthur chuckles, little wrinkles forming around his eyes. Merlin is distracted. He wants to make Arthur laugh forever.

All the time that he is known him, he can count the number of times that Arthur has laughed, like full on almost peeing my pants laugh

Everytime they see each other, he tries to make him laugh at least once.

"Yeah, he would."

They spend the trip to his flat talking about the ridiculous things George would do and has done for Arthur.

When he opens the door and invites him in, he feels a bit self conscious about the place where he lives, he has been at Arthur's and his is not as artfully decorated or perfectly painted, there are white spaces in between the light green walls. His flat is not as big either.

Despite the smaller size, he is proud of it, with this open space, the open kitchen was one of the primary reasons they rented it he could see everything from there, he could see Freya's detective show while he baked or he could put on a movie and watch it from the kitchen, there was a small hallway separating the kitchen from the Living/Dinning room, the hallways led to the two rooms and to the bathroom.

It's cozy. It has such a mix of Freya's and his own things, the big blue sofa from Ikea that Freya bought on a whim that weirdly fits with the whole aesthetic of the flat which is non-existent really even when they want to call it Notting Hill on the summer.

There is a medium sized TV in the middle of the living room surrounded by shelves upon shelves of books, family photos and a conglomerate of his and Freya's knick knacks. They usually eat on the round table with the tropical tablecloth and the four mismatched chairs. There is a vase on the table with some flowers that Freya got from Mithian yesterday before they went to spend the weekend away at Mithian's parents house on the country.

Merlin turns to look for Arthur's reaction to his home as he leaves his jacket on the coat hanger next to the door.  
Arthur, whose eyes are roaming everywhere, gives him his jacket. Merlin has cleaned and tidied up this morning so he knows that none of Freya's shoes are on sight so he wonders what has his utmost attention.

He clears his throat. "Sit wherever you want. I hope you're hungry. I'm gonna get the food." Merlin says entering the kitchen and watching Arthur pick up a white frame with a crooked smile. Merlin frowns but lets it go.

He gets the orange juice, the whipped cream, the fruit salad and some berry mix from the fridge, there is the raspberry mille feuielle that he made for Arthur but that he is going to keep in there until Arthur goes home.

The french toast casserole and the leek and caramelised onion quiche that he made earlier are on the oven, getting reheated a little bit. He gets those two out too.

As Merlin approached the table to leave the dishes he finally sees the photo that Arthur is holding, is the one of Merlin at his graduation in New York, where he is with his friend Gilli. It feels so long ago but so recent at the same time, he has been back almost two years

Sometimes he feels a rift between his friends and him, in the space of time he was gone, and other times is like he never left at all. Thankfully the latter is the most common.

"You know sometimes it feels like I've known you forever and others like I don't know you at all." Arthur says leaving the frame where it was.  
There's something on the words that breaks Merlin's heart. He knows he is secretive , that while he talks about himself he doesn't really. He can talk about his job, his favorite tv shows, his favorite books, what he loves about cooking and even his family all the time, but he doesn't talk about how he feels except lately to moan and groan about Arthur. The same man, that is saying that he doesn't feel like he knows him even when he has shared things he has never shared with anyone.

And Merlin... he just wants to be known. He wants one person in the world to know him and he wants it to be Arthur , who when he does feel like he knows, and Merlin feels like Arthur understands him something not even his best friends do sometimes. They know the sides of Merlin he shows to them, the friendly baker, the obsessed nerd or lately the pining loser.

After a while he realises he hasn't answer to Arthur’s statement and that probably he is waiting for some type of response.

"I want you to feel like you know me all the time." Is what he ends up saying, what he honestly feels.

Know me! Know me! His heart yells so loud he can almost hear it in the thud of it.

There is really no space between the shelves in front of Arthur and the table where he is so they are quite close, closer that they have been in a while and for longer than usual.

"Merlin." Arthur says so softly , his azure eyes stuck on his. Merlin melts completely, he feels all the barriers he has build against feeling like this towards Arthur, towards anyone really, crumble completely. He is defenseless.

His eyes not able to keep the eye contact anymore go to his lips, he bites his own.

He wants so badly to taste them, to pull them to his own, to savour them, to know what does he taste like.

But he can't.

"Sorry." He says and clears his throat. He needs to get back his footing or at least pretend that nothing is happening right now, his heart is not racing, his nails aren't piercing the skin of his hands, there is no blood on his lips from how hard he bit it. He turns and goes to the bathroom, he locks himself there and sits on the floor for a moment, he covers his face with his hand and exhales, not wanting to yell like he wants to do, he does want to yell at Arthur, he wants to yell Like me! Look at me! Know me! Love me!

The last thought gives him pause.

No! No! He is not.

That is not happening.

A part of him wants to hit his head with the door, the other wants to run away and disappear forever and the other one just wants to yell it, yell those words to the thin air so they can disappear.

He does none of those things.

What he does is standing up and after flushing the toilet , he opens the faucet, wets his neck and washes his hands. He doesn't look at himself in the mirror.

Merlin takes a deep breath and plasters an smile.

He is okay, everything is okay .

Arthur is still where he left him a few minutes ago, with another frame on his hands. That one he knows without getting closer. He can't do that anyway.

It's a photo of him when he was little, his front teeth missing and he is wearing his school uniform. He has the widest grin.

"That's not my best photo." He says from he is leaning against one of the columns on the kitchen. His voice is not as weak or as broken as he thought it would be. 

He hopes they can't forget what just happened, whatever that was.

"I beg to differ, your ears here are the best thing i've ever seen." There is a tight smile on Arthur's mouth but the tone is casual. He is trying. Merlin should too.

"I don't know how to take that, are you insulting my ears?" Merlin asks, words stronger and teasing.

Faking is too easy sometimes,

Arthur's hand goes to his chin, replicating the Thinker with it and frowning.

"Am I?" He says instead of responding. He is teasing back. They are back.

He wonders how effortless it is.

"If you're, you won't get to eat so I'll think about your answer, cabbage head."

“Fine, fine. I won’t mention your ears.”

“Good, it’s almost ready.” He brings everything to the table and Arthur’s gaze that up to that moment was more focused on the photos than in the food widens.

“Wow!” He says and he points at the casserole. “ What’s that?” And now they are in familiar territory. Food.

“ That’s a berry french toast casserole , and you have whipped cream and fruit salad and that’s leek and caramelised onion quiche. It’s nothing fancy. “ Merlin explains. He was very tempted to do some blinis or some waffles. But in the end it was just them and with this if they don’t it all , he can eat it tomorrow.

“I can’t even compare this to when I fed you bacon and eggs at my house.” Arthur adds looking a bit in awe.

“Hey! Don’t put yourself down. Those were delicious and just what I needed that day. I didn’t have a hangover because of those.” Merlin retorts filling Arthur’s plate with a little bit of everything and then his.

The talk in between bites, about work, the last tv show they watched, their friends and that evolved in how much longer it would take Lance and Gwen before getting engaged. He is hoping for any day now but maybe before Gwen’s birthday in July he has a bet to win. He thinks their anniversary is coming up so maybe then.

It’s when he has his mouth full that Arthur makes a difficult question.

“Have you thought about moving away? I know you told me you’re happy here but you also seem happy in those pictures.” It feels as if he is asking something else. Not knowing what, he replies what he knows.

“I actually did, you know? The day that Freya and Mithian met and we run into each other at the club. I thought about moving to Copenhagen. My friend Gilli from the picture is actually there last I knew so it has crossed my mind. But I am glad I didn’t.. I’m staying here for the foreseeable future. You’re gonna have to stand me for a few more years.” He says trying to joke about it instead of playing along to the seriousness of the question. Merlin takes another bite but still sees the close lipped smile in Arthur.

“I’m glad, I might need a manservant in case George gets sick or something.” The already normal bratty tone of his words make him chuckle.

“Better hope nothing happens to him.” 

“Yeah. I don’t know how I feel about you following me to the bathroom. “

They both laugh.

  
Merlin is tempted to just unbuttoning his pants of how much he ate.

Maybe it was too much food.

“So I was invited here to have brunch and to watch a movie. And I already had brunch. “ Merlin rolls his eyes even when he is actually amused.

“See if I ever invite you again.” Merlin replies.

Should he stand up? And put the dishes on the sink?

He was getting into that sleepy state after eating too much. He hid a small yawn with his hand.

Seeing Arthur standing up and taking the empty plates to the kitchen wakes him up from the drowsiness.

Just like on his birthday. He wishes that things like these were a regular occurrence.

He wonder what does it say about himself that most of his dreams are about domesticity.

Obviously he daydreams about fucking Arthur senseless, Merlin wants him to moan his name and to see him fall apart.

But he also wants to cuddle him after.

He wants it all.

The closest he is ever come to a relationship is when he was seeing Mordred at that obviously didn’t end well.

Feeling used for sex and to get advantage in a job is one the most ridiculous things he is ever experienced.

He didn’t want the job with Nimueh anyway.

Even then is not like he could feel truly hurt either since is not like he had strong feelings for him it was more of he likes me and he is nice so why not.

Being pursued was something new to Merlin but every gesture felt more like an obligation than something born from him.

He didn’t want to hold hands, and he didn’t want to lay with him and they barely talk anyway is was more of friends with benefits kinda thing for him.

He was called cold and unromantic, and to Mordred he was.

Maybe Mordred was being used as well although the sex wasn’t really good either. It did helped him to keep his sempitern sense on loneliness at bay though at least for a little while.

  
“Merlin? “ Arthur’s voice bring him back to the present.

“Sorry.”

“What were you thinking about?” His tone curious.

“New York.” Merlin answers. It was true. For him that city was the mix of his emotions and experiences. It wasn’t just a name.

“Thinking about your friends there?”

“ You could say that.” He wasn’t sure he could call Mordred a friend.

Arthur is just in front of him kneeling to be at the same height.

It likes he wants to comfort him.

He wonders if the longing would ever stop. If there would be a time when he could see Arthur and not think I want you to be mine and I want to be yours. He chuckles. He thinks not. Or maybe he just doesn’t want the feeling to stop because despite the way he feels a pinch on his gut every time he sees him and knows that he is with Jabir. He loves the way this feels the stupid butterflies and his heart races , the ridiculous symptoms of a crush, everything he knows is special. Merlin shakes his head.

“Merlin, are you okay?” There is a worry in the words. Arthur never sounds worried, maybe angry or stressed but never worried so Merlin plasters his third fake smile of the morning and nods.

“Just sleepy, come on. I promised you a movie too, didn’t I? “ Merlin stands ups and makes him follow him.

When he opens the door to his room, he has a similar sensation that when he invites him to his house, just stronger like he unveiling another part of himself for Arthur to discover. He regrets it not doing it before.

His room is full of shit to be honest, between the bed, the closet, the dresser and the bookshelves there is not much space to stand, his room is small. And his walls are so covered in photos, posters or some superhero decoration that you can barely see the greenish blue of the walls.

He is thankful that he remembered to change his Batman sheets to the nicer ones from Marks & Spencer, his favourites with the multi coloured strips of purple, blue and green.

What does Arthur think of his bookshelves filled to the brim of books, Geeky memorabilia and comic books?

“Wow, you really weren’t joking about how many movies you have.” Arthur says, his eyes on the big shelf that he has over his bed and his fingers caressing the titles. He had to get a step for that.

His mother, smart woman that she is made him buy another shelf when she came to his house for his birthday. It was a good idea. Now he has all his superhero related films in that one next to the bookshelves, she was also scared that the wood and his films would fall on his head while he sleeps.

“How many do you have?” Arthur asks a bit of excitement on his tone.

“Around 300, maybe... I stopped counting after 200.” Merlin replies a little embarrassed. He does have a lot of them.

“Is it me or are they organised by genre?”

“I do try to have some type of order.” He replies a bit offended.

“Well most of them are romance movies. I can see you were serious about your love for them. It seems to fit you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Merlin frowns curious.

“Merlin your life is kinda like a rom-com. You are a young single good looking baker. Aren’t most of the protagonist either bakers or journalists?” His brain just shorts circuits. Did Arthur just called him good looking? He turns his eyes to him and Arthur is even a bit flushed.

“ Did you just give me a compliment?” He is going to exploit this. Merlin is not a vain person but it is nice to hear how people might think he is handsome. It helps if it is Arthur too. His self esteem appreciates it.

“I- I mean... you are....”Arthur struggles to say and Merlin chuckles. It’s fun to see him like that.

“Don’t break your little brain, chose a film.”

“I get it.” Arthur gives him a grey blu-ray. Inception, huh.

“You have never seen Inception? “ Merlin asks unbelievingly.

Arthur shakes his head and shrugs his shoulder like is not big deal.

“Oh. It’s a mind fuck but you’ll like it.” Merlin says convinced.

Returning to the living room while Merlin gets the film set up , he sees by the corner of his eye how Arthur sits on the middle of the couch not giving him a chance to sit away from him. Merlin should probably care about that a bit more.

“Were you one of those that had a hit of a crush on Leonardo DiCaprio when you were young?” He asks as the trailers roll, to make conversation and also because he is curious.

“Only in Titanic; but then I watched it when I was like twelve or so. You?” Arthur gets more comfortable and drapes an arm around the sofa.

“Not really. I liked Kate more.” He still does to be honest. She is still gorgeous.

Despite his common sense telling to sit elsewhere, he sits on the free place where Arthur has his hand.

He has Paris flashbacks, he knows it is a different couch, hell it’s different country but the situation is so similar. He didn’t feel like this when they were alone on his birthday and he was wearing less clothes than he is wearing now.

Trying to keep his body from not reacting to Arthur closeness is hard. It’s fine if they separated by a table o armrest but he is nothing but air.

He clears his throat, he needs to focus on the movies

Focus on the movie! It’s what he tells himself.

You like this movie! Remember? You like Tom Hardy and Joseph Gordon Levitt and obviously you like Marion Cotillard.

The beginning is a bit slow but he gets into the movie anyway.

Merlin tried to keep ignoring Arthur who exhales loudly and gets into the movie as well. Merlin, because he wouldn’t be Merlin otherwise, starts to give random facts about the movie.

Maybe to distract himself even further. He doesn’t mention how some people ship Eames and Arthur.

Nope.

Instead he watches how Arthur reacts to what happens on the screen.

Two and a half hours pass sooner than he expected. Even though he forgot how long the movie was. His stomach also kindly reminds him with its growling and if he is hungry so is Arthur’s. So he must be going soon.

“So...” Merlin starts.

“ So he was totally not dreaming, right?” Arthur says excited. Merlin’s surprised and he shrugs his shoulders.

“That’s the mystery some say that he is still dreaming and some say he is not.”

"Total bollocks, he went back to his family, the totem fell." Merlin nods like saying of course, right . Seeing Arthur worked up is always fun.

“Anyway. I’m hungry do you have more of that quiche?” Arthur asks patting his stomach.Despite the silliness from the gesture. Merlin thinks instead of how Arthur wants to stay, how he doesn’t want to go yet. Even if it is for something stupid like he is hungry.

“Unfortunately no. You kinda ate most of the thing.” Merlin teases in a serious tone. Arthur just shrugs.

“Shoulder are order in? Chinese? How is the Sichua ? I feel like eating some dumplings. You?” Arthur gets his phone and shakes it in front of Merlin.

“That is where we usually order.Get me the gong nap chicken with peanuts and some fried rice, please.” Merlin says getting up and stretching a little sitting for almost three hours is not good for his body.

“Done.” Arthur adds in a little voice. “ Sh-Should we watch something else? “

Merlin perks ups at that. He is staying longer, he should really to get his heart to control itself and that nothing important is happening. Because is not. At All.

“We could watch Pushing Daisies? Is about a pie maker who revives the dead . It’s super quirky and fun. “

It is one of his favourite shows. Not only because of the pie maker thing, but because the love story is super sweet.

“Sounds good.”

He goes to his room to get it. He takes a deep breath.

Arthur has a boyfriend. He has a boyfriend so obviously nothing is happening, they are just two friends hanging out watching a tv show and eating food.

That’s it.

Merlin repeats this to himself over and over again until he is back to Arthur’s side. He tries really as hard as he has been doing not to lean on Arthur.

He hugs a cushion as he presses play.

The moment they realised that the sky is darker, they’ve watched half the season.

“So I think I should go.” Arthur says a bit glum patting his thighs and standing up.

Why is he glum?

“Right, it is getting kinda late.” Merlin stops the credits from rolling at the TV. "Let me get my coat and I'll join you. Don't want you getting lost on your way back." He get on his feet and stretches a little, he has spend way too much time sitting down. His arse hurts. He pulls down the sweater that rode up when he rose his arms.

Turning to Arthur he finds him looking intently at the sofa.

Weird.

It’s when they’re pulling his coats is that Merlin remembers Arthur’s surprise.

“I have something for you actually.” Merlin says opening the refrigerator and getting the white box where he kept the millefeuille earlier and offers it to Arthur, whose gaze is full of aprehensión.

“It won’t bite.” Merlin adds as Arthur finally opens the box. His eyes brightening at the sight.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier you had this! I could have had this for dessert!” Arthur exclaims closing the box and pulling it protectively closer to his body.

“I honestly forgot.” Merlin snickers. He really is a disaster.

“Thank you, Merlin.” Says Arthur enveloping him in a one arm hug. Merlin smiles during the embrace.

"I've been meaning to give you this for a while. So here..." Arthur opens the brown satchel he came with. He gets a comic book out. The 40th anniversary issue of Captain America, Bucky's and Cap first adventure. It might be like 30 pounds worth. Merlin grabs it and carefully passes his fingers over it. It's beautiful. He can't wait to read it.

"Wow. It's beautiful. I love it. Thank you, Arthur." His voice is breaking despite the grin on his face. So he clears his throat and tries to regain his composure, if he ever had one.,

"It was nothing, I've actually had it for couple of months. I just forgot to give it to you, I wanted to give it to you at your birthday but - " Arthur shakes his head." Nevermind. I bought it at Paris." Arthur's last words almost get lost with the quiet voice he says them.

Paris, they have been making an effort not to mention it, Merlin almost let it slipped out at his birthday when he got birthday wishes from his friends there, and all of them were asking about Arthur. Haru specially, she was coming to London in a couple of weeks and wanted to meet up with both of them. Isolde and Tristan wanted to thank him for his wedding gift.

Pondering himself if this is the best moment to mention it, he takes a deep breath.

" Arthur, I.. I´m - What you saw at the wedding, I.." He tries and fails. 

"What, Merlin? Tell me." Arthur urges him on, he can feel his eyes not leaving his face.

"I didn't mean it, He wasn't who I thought it was. I was very drunk and nervous and I pushed him away when I noticed and then I thought , no. I know that I ruined it. I also know I have no right to say this now but I wanted you know. I'm really sorry. " Merlin finally says. He hoped his voice was strong enough , that he didn't speak too fast and that Arthur understood what he wasn't able to say. He is not brave enough to look at him though.

"I can't do this right now, Merlin. But we'll talk, okay? I promise." Arthur grabs his shoulders and Merlin can't escape his gaze now. HIs voice is firm so he nods and Arthur leaves.

The door closing resounded all over the apartment.

Merlin's legs stop holding him and he sits on the floor wanting to hide his face on his arms he doesn't know for how long until Gwen calls him and she never calls.

"Merlin! Lance proposed ! We are getting married! " She sounds so freaking happy that she is contagious and Merlin stands up and says .

"I'm so fucking happy for you!"

**Author's Note:**

> If you ever wanna talk about these two idiots. I'm samgreenstorm on tumblr.


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